Actively Seeking Numb

photo: s.alt

My grandfather achieved it with alcohol.

I found it through constant activity.

I sought numbness.

I found a way to numb the feelings. To dull the anguish of self-doubt. To dull the feelings of not-being-good-enough.

The spanish have a saying “huir hacia adelante”. To flee forward.  To jump to the next thing - to run from one set of problems to another.

I spent 34 years becoming world class in fleeing forward. I was proud of my running, getting through the doors, my constant movement. I did well in school. I got to go to a good university. I got a good job. I met a wonderful girl. I filled my life with activity. I used language like “I have to go, have to work, have to finish this”. Showing people how busy I was, how much was demanded of me by the system, bosses, family, girlfriend… was my proof to the world that I was valued. Busy-ness was my badge of honour and I wore it with pride. I despised those who were not busy, who wasted their lives, who had no discipline.

Running away from demons
I was in my own nightmare where I was trapped in a large house with many rooms. I was being chased by demons. I would run to one door, grip the handle, pull hard against the door. Get it open, get through and shut the door behind. Peace of mind for a moment, but a fleeting peace. As soon as the door was closed I knew the demons were on the other side and about to break through. I ran again. Through the next room. Through to the door on the other side. I ripped it open, got through and again as I closed it knew that the demons were there again. This was my life. Getting a little ahead of the demons. For a moment. For a day. And then finding them banging at the door again. Having to run again.

photo: Simon Plestenjak

My personal demon is a fear of being irrelevant, of insignificance. It is not rational. It does not respond to reasoned argument.

I woke this morning with no sensation in my right arm. I had fallen asleep in an awkward position, and the blood flow had been cut off to the arm. It was like having somebody else’s arm strapped to my body. No feeling. No sensation. No ability to move. It is an interesting experience to shake my own hand and have absolutely no feeling. I shifted position and blood flow returned. It took two minutes for the arm to regain movement and then feeling. I had slight pins and needles for a couple of minutes.

I was seeking this numbness in my whole life. It is not just me.

You cannot selectively numb emotion
You cannot selectively numb emotion.  I cannot choose to numb grief, pain, loss, loneliness but embrace joy, love, wonder.   If I choose to numb I numb it all.  I stop fulling living.  I lose the capacity to fully embrace joy.  I lose joy and take on an existence that is miserable.  It is so important to my self that I embrace positive emotion that my mind and body will find ways of replacing the full embracing of joy with negative addictions that give some short term positive affect - eating, drinking, boasting, pretending.

My choice today is not to numb.  It is in suffering for achievement that the achievement becomes meaningful.  Winning the lottery is empty.  Playing the piano after 1,000 hours of hard work, frustration, suffering...  this is meaningful.   Giving a speech without practice...  empty.  Working hard, giving of my best, delivering the best of me...  meaningful.  Writing this blog post...  and hitting publish...  even against my fear...  ?

Happy Saint Patricks Day

photo credit: Hans Kremmers

"May the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand."

Old Irish way of saying Goodbye

6 Ways to get your Email Ignored

In 2010, 294 billion emails were sent per day for a total of 90 trillion in the full year. 1.9 billion users sent an email during 2010.  The average business user in a 1,000 user organisation receives 110 emails per day (of which 13 are spam) and sends 36 emails.  (source Radicati Group Email Statistics Report 2010)

How do you ensure that your email gets acted upon?  

Lost in a forest of spam?
credit: satosphere

When you send to friends and have regular correspondance they will act because they know your name.  When you send to someone who may not know your name what must you do to break out of the forest of spam?

6 ways to end up ignored in an inbox
I read a little section of Jeffrey Pfeffer's book "Power: Why some people have it and Other's don't" where he talked about poorly thought through requests for his help via email.

He outline 4 ways to fail to engage the reader when you ask for some help via email:

1. Fail to indicate the social connection between sender and reader - where did you meet?  who put you in contact?
2. Fail to understand the readers perspective - what context (background information) does the reader need to take a decision/act upon the email?
3. Fail to explain why the reader was specifically selected as a source of potential help.
4. Fail to show that sender has already made some effort to understand the domain before asking for help.

I would add two further failures that I see in email requests

1. Fail to keep it short.  Many emails are much too long - the sender has no edit process before sending the "draft" email.   I was referred to a nice email policy called three.sentenc.es by a recent blog post from Mark Suster.  The requirement to write your email in 3 sentences forces you to be concise.
2. Fail to clarify exactly what is wanted: No effort to clarify what you are asking for.  "Help" is too vague.  I expand on this below.

How to clarify your communication objective:

In my classes on communication at IESE I start by making every student define their objective prior to starting to prepare any communication.  This might sound too basic to be important, but I can guarantee that more failure in communication occurs because the requester really has not clarified what they want and thought about whether it is realistic to expect. 

Finish this sentence: "When the reader has finished reading this email he will _________________"

The sentence must be completed with an active verb.  "meet on thursday", "phone me immediately", "vote for me", "visit my web site" are all active.  "understand more about the situation" is not active.  Most communication fails at this step - lack of clarity of the realistic, do-able, specific next action that will move you closer to your overall objective.

Over to you



I hope your emails don't risk hanging out with the spams in the inboxes of the world.


Any other thoughts on getting your emails read and acted-upon?

Blindness through Busy-ness

A wise man is walking through rough, barren terrain. The sun is beating down intensely, drying everything in its burning blaze.

He hears a noise in the far distance.  It is the sound of digging.  As he gets closer he finds a man digging in the dirt.  The man digs, then mutters his complaint at the lack of riches in the barren earth.

The wise man asks “Sir, what is it that you search for?”.

The digger looks up and without breaking his routine answers “treasure”.

The wise man says “I have a map”. The digger says “I haven’t got time to read maps. I need to find the treasure.” The wise man “I’ll show you where the map says the treasure lies”. The digger says “You are in my way. I have to dig.”

The wise man continues on his walk leaving the digger battling against the heat and the dirt as he continues digging.

Book Review: Lend Me Your Ears by Max Atkinson

I just finished reading Lend Me Your Ears by Max Atkinson on my kindle.  I am a regular reader of Max's Atkinson's blog.  Max is a political speechwriter, a professor and a blogger.  You can follow him on twitter @maxatkinson.

Lend Me Your Ears is an easy read and covers the subject of public speaking in an accessible manner.  It is well written.  This is not an "academic" treatise, but a practical guide to improve your impact as a speaker.  The material is most suitable for those who already have public speaking experience.  It is not a book for first-time speakers - although you will quickly find the material in the book of help as soon as you get some initial experience of public speaking.

Lend Me Your Ears is divided into 5 sections.

Part 1 - The Language of Public Speaking
Part 2 - Visual Aids and Verbal Crutches
Part 3 - Winning with Words
Part 4 - Putting Principles into Practice
Part 5 - Body Language and Speech

Part 1 explains that public speaking is a format of communication that is quite different from everyday conversation.  As we grow we have each gained plenty of experience in conversations, but we need to leave some of the conventions of conversation behind in order to become compelling public speakers.  One area that Max discusses in depth is how "umms" and "ahhs" serve a purpose in conversation, but reduce greatly your power as a public speaker.

Part 2 looks at how to use visual aids in a manner that is effective for the audience - not as an aide-memoir for the speaker.  Max is on a mission to break the cult of presenters that read their 100-slide powerpoints to the audience.

Part 3 looks at using some simple but powerful rhetorical techniques - alliteration, repetition, lists of 3, contrasts and analogies that can be clumsy in written communication, but multiply your impact when public speaking.  I found this section a great summary of rhetorical technique.

Part 4 is about converting speech ideas into powerful delivery.  Much as with sports, all the theory in the world matters very little if you don't perform on the big day.

Part 5 is about delivering your speech in a way that transmits credibility and energy to your audience.

Summary
Lend Me Your Ears is a great resource that will help you move from regular speaker to memorable, impactful speaker.  Have you read it?  What other public speaking books are good for the experienced public speaker?

Video: 4 ways to handle Anxiety

I have prepared a series of short videos for my IESE courses this year. This is a 3 minute video outlining the 4 ways that you can handle anxiety or performance nerves. (The video is here on my blog).



I spoke about the 4 ways of handling anxiety in a previous post 4 ways to handle anxiety:

1. Avoid,
2. Manage,
3. Tolerate
4. Enjoy.

Over to you
How do you deal with anxiety? Do you manage your stress levels? Are there any stresses that you have learnt to enjoy? How did you achieve this?