How not to waste a life. The real responsibility of parents and schools.

This week we decided where my daughter will go to school - potentially for the next 15 years. I have spent a lot of time thinking about what criteria are important in selecting a school and this blog is a summary of 3-4 months of that reflection.

How do you best waste a life?  Quite possibly the worst thing in the world is "what could have been" - the waste of human talent.  How do parents or schools contribute to allowing a child to waste their potential, to live a stressed life, to be unable to connect to others, to constantly feel that there is "something missing" in their life?

I believe that we are the first generation that really doesn't face any risks to our survival (other than the "run over by bus" end).  We have endless choice and the perception of a classless, meritocratic society.  There is a widespread assumption that financial, relationship, social success is because of the innate goodness of one or the innate poorness of another.

In a world where survival is pretty much guaranteed, what is required in order to thrive as a human being?  In this blog post I want to think through the aspects that are most difficult to change later in life that are key to a fulfilling life - and argue that the role of parents and schools is to develop these habits during the 18+ years of early development and school.

What is the purpose of school?  I will use some thoughtful answers from teachers at The Fischbowl “The purpose of education is to appropriately prepare our children for their future.” or "The purpose of education is to make the world a better place" and A teacher writes "to prepare one for a living". One of my favourite bloggers, Seth Godin has a list of 27 objectives for school.  My father says "its from the Latin, educare: to lead out"


I feel that these definitions leave out some important aspects - a better place for whom? For each child?  For parents?  For the wealthy patrons of government, banks and corporate?  We can categorize thinking 5 levels to which schools could purport to be making the world a better place:

1. To keep children off the street (conversely, to provide employment to teachers; or to give a few hours of peace to parents)
   
2. To prepare children to enter the workforce (to provide fodder for the robber barons, to create a legion of obedient wage earners)
   
3. To prepare children to be good citizens (to understand and follow the norms of civilized society, to not rob, cheat or otherwise make the world worse for others)
   
4. To assist human unfolding emotionally, socially, intellectually and physically
5. To develop the unique strengths of each individual and prepare them to thrive and have a fulfilling life

I think there are clearly examples of all five levels in place at all levels of formal education.  We have university professors that see their role as a teacher taking them away from more valuable research time;  Secondary school teachers who spend more time thinking about strikes and the unfairness of the unequal rises in private sector pay over the last quarter century.  Exam systems that serve to divide children into passes (successes) and fails (destined to McDonalds) without looking to help each child get an 'A' in their own personal exam. Schools which develop students that are fantastic at following the 23 steps to get an 'A', but completely collapse when they come out into the real world where there is no clear set of steps to develop a career, life, relationship or social life.

I have seen some interesting stuff on how parents and schools can weaken their children's ability to thrive by inappropriate praise over at NY Magazine, "How not to talk to your kids" (definitely worth a read for parents).  Praise and coaching should be directed at aspects that a child has control over (hard work, solving problems, patience, working in a team, overcoming frustration) and not at things outside the child's control (their looks "you are beautiful", their intelligence "you are the smartest").

I think there are habits for a fulfilling life and personal competencies that are very difficult to change, and some that are much easier to change.

Easy to Change	Harder to Change	Hardest to change
Education Communications First impression Goal setting	Self Discipline (hard work, completing projects) Judgement (decisiveness, understanding consequences) Excellence standards Resourcefulness Likability Persuasiveness Stress management	Integrity Energy Passion Ambition Tenacity Intelligence Physical aspects (height, build, looks)

My answer is that school should serve to develop the human competencies that will be hard to change later on in life - and parents and teachers need to praise, coach and help children develop these disciplines.  I will outline three that I now believe are key to the purpose of school:

Develop the discipline of hard work.

"The real happiness comes from the work you've put into winning. If it's too easy, it means nothing to you." Rafa Nadal

Nothing feels worthwhile without real hard work. Not what looks like hard work to others, but what you personally know is long-term, disciplined, difficult, challenging hard work.

Finish what you start (completer/finisher).  Only start what you mean to finish (judgement).

Nothing is worse than a life lived with 100 half-finished projects. The hardest part of a project is the last bit - finishing it. Saying "this is it", "this is me" is tough - but if I don't get my projects finished I will continually be the guy who could have been.

Passion and Tenacity.

Jim Rohn has a speech called "The Ant philosophy" - ants will never quit - you put an obstacle in their way and they will search for another route... for as long as it takes.  This is a great philosophy not just for ants, but for people as well.

We need it from our parents and our early school. It is incredibly difficult to change integrity, passion, energy, ambition and tenacity if we don't have it nurtured during our early years (Aristotle viewed age 12 as the limit for really incorporating ethics and values).

We decided upon Betania Patmos for my daughter's (potentially) next 15 years of schooling.  I think I have said "you are beautiful", "my princess", and "you are so smart" at least 1000 times to my daughter in 2 and a half years...  I hope my newfound wisdom and the support of the teachers at Betania Patmos can help my daughter overcome the challenge of having me as a father! (but she is beautiful, smart and my favourite princess!)

Lean Startup. Erik Ries. The one presentation that I would not miss as a startup

"This is probably the one presentation that I would not miss as a startup out of all the presentations ever made." Ville Vesterinen on ArcticStartup.com.

You can watch Eric’s video presentation below.

[Those viewing via subscription may need to view original blog article to see video]

Great video from Seth Godin. How to finish your projects.

A great presentation from Seth Godin: Quieting the Lizard Brain.

[Those viewing via subscription may need to click through to original blog post]

I love Seth Godin's blog and entire philosophy on life.  He regularly talks of the importance of people being responsible for the consequences of their actions.
In this video Seth talks about breaking the chains of procrastination and becoming a completer of projects.  The difference between the want-to-bes and the people that make things happen in this life. I recently had the pleasure of a training session with Victor Kuppers.  He eloquently put the difference between the "chusqueros" and the "cracks" is that the "chusquero" knows the answer, the "crack" also does something about the answer.
*chusquero = derrogatory spanish term for a person; *crack = highly positive spanish term for a person

Weekly roundup of great ideas out there on the web #1

In the spirit of Tom Peters, I am posting a weekly roundup of some great ideas rather than a well thought through blog post this week.  I am now feeling sad to see Ireland lose to France 1-0 in the World Cup Qualifier.  We need a good performance in Paris next week.

Five big lessons from Small Shop Keepers.  I love this simple reflection on some key elements of building a successful business. Too many MBAs and first time entrepreneurs focus on the business plan, raising capital, the "exit" and not enough on the day to day operational details that are key to building a great business.

Another one on small shop keepers - The worlds greatest soda shop (and soda shop owner).  (Take 8 minutes and watch the video - it is inspiring). As you will have learnt from our small shop keepers - if you are small, you must own a niche - and the guy at the end of this link has to be the most passionate and knowledgeable soda drinker in the world.  This link came to me via Seth Godin's blog post Everyone is Clueless.

I am reminded of a great book when thinking of "owning a niche".  The advice from the best marketing book that I have ever read - the only statement that you can "sell" as a marketer is "We are the leader in X" - the decision for marketers is "What X?  What category can we dominate?".  Humans have a salesperson bullshit filter that immediately blocks any statement like "our product has the best blah, blah" - we are immediately cynical - but somehow the statement "Bertoli olive oil, leader in Italy" enters without a blip.

The genius of screwups.  A great blog post from Daniel Coyle on the need for leaders to create an environment in which "falling forward" risks must be rewarded if exceptional performance is desired.  Jack Welch, John Chambers, Jeffrey Katzenberg are all quoted with pithy stuff about the need to encourage people to try new things.  In the words of Jeffrey Katzenberg, CEO of Dreamworks "If you don't make failure acceptable, you can't expect [movies that are] original and unique."  This follows a line of thinking that I have been discussing with my friend Bill Treasurer, author of Courage goes to Work.  (I am working with Bill on a future Advanced Courageous Leadership seminar, any thoughts on the program are most welcome).

Beyond Excellence - S.W.P. "Seriously Weird People".  Tom Peters suggests reaching out to some Seriously Weird People when you have a new idea or start a new business.  Keep reaching until you find a couple of people who are so far out that they more or less speak gibberish - it may be gibberish, and probably is gibberish - but perhaps, once or twice in a lifetime, it will be someone and some approach that  amounts to a blueprint for doing the work of 10,000 people with 10 people.

The value perception of books will tend to zero.  Google has its Digital Library project and is scanning through the entire human catalogue of written material to make it available digitally.  Amazon has launched the Kindle 2, a device that truly starts to make reading eBooks a pleasure - and almost better than the real thing.  Given these trends, authors and publishers will need to come to terms with a world in which the value perception of the digital content, just as in the world of digital music, tends towards zero.  It may take 10 years or 10 months, but authors will need to become like rock stars - it will be the concerts and public community events that are the future important revenue streams.  A book will just be like a nice business card.

The great news... this blog has made it into Six Minutes' list of the top Public Speaking Blogs (at number 80, but we are only 3 months old so time, tenacity and a little bit of quality content will get us up there soon).

The 90 10 rule. How John messed up a perfectly good day.

I have a monthly tradition of meeting for a 9:30am brioche and coffee in the best brioche place in Barcelona (cannot reveal the secret location) with my french-hungarian friend and entrepreneur Andre Vanyi-Robin (of Bestv and Entrepreneurs'Organisation).  We met yesterday.  The brioche was good.

Andre told me a great story about the 90 10 rule.  Neither of us know the actual source of this rule, but it comes with a great story.  Anybody who can point us to the source will be greatly appreciated.

The 90 10 Rule
10% of life are things that happen to us.  We have no control over these events.  90% of our life depends on how we react to the things that happen to us.  We can have total control over our choice of reaction to the things that happen to us.

Imagine this situation: Breakfast time at home and John and Suzie and their daughter Sally are sitting at the table. Sally turns quickly and knocks the coffee all over her father John's shirt.

Scenario 1)

John curses and says "how could you be so clumsy! Now I am going to have to change this shirt." He then turns to his wife and says "how could you have left the coffee so close to the edge of the table!".  He storms upstairs to change his shirt leaving behind a daughter in tears and an angry wife.

He is now leaving home 5 minutes later and the traffic is terrible.  Sally is in the back of the car and totally ignoring him.  He drops her to school where she is now late and pissed off.  He reaches work angry and his boss says "lets review that important document we need to deliver today"...  John has left it at home in the rush.  He had left it out on the table to do a final review first thing in the morning, but the chaos at home meant that he rushed out without picking it up. His boss is frustrated because this is an important opportunity and John has to return home to pick up the document.

That night the house is a tense angry situation with nobody talking to each other...

Why did John, Suzy and Sally have a bad day?

1) because of the spilt coffee?
2) because of Sally spilling the coffee?
3) because of the traffic?
4) because of his boss and the important meeting?
5) because of John's reaction to the spilt coffee?

Scenario 2)

Sally spills the coffee and looks shocked and concerned.  John looks at his shirt, pauses, and looks at his daughter "Oh no I will have to change this shirt.  Don't worry, I have another one upstairs.  You need to be a little bit more careful, but its only a shirt".  John hugs Sally and goes and changes his shirt.  John comes downstairs to find his wife is going to take their daughter to school and he has 10 minutes to review his document. He makes a couple of good notes and gets in his car.  There is traffic, but he is focussed on the way he will present the document to his boss and practices the presentation out loud in the car.  He arrives at work, enters bosses office, delivers a well thought through presentation.  That night he reaches the house and everybody is sitting at dinner sharing their day.


Two different scenarios began the same but ended very different.  They ended different not because of 1) or 2) or 3) or 4)...  but 5) how John chose to react to something that happened to him.

10% of life is stuff that happens to you.  90% depends on your choice of reaction to what has happened to you.

P.S. For those readers in Barcelona, we have a fantastic event on Friday 6th November at 15:30 - Nando Parrado will be sharing his story of survival in the Andes 36 years ago after his rugby team's charter aircraft crashed in the high Andes.  I wrote about my reflections on his story 3 weeks ago in my blog here. Information on the event is available on the IESE website.